it was wrong to go look, to see the status of the one who ripped my heart to shreds so long ago. totally wrong. i knew better.
but i did it anyway.

there is no justice.

if he can sleep at night, then he has no conscience.

because i still have no heart.

and i will never have hope. and i will never trust anyone the way i trusted him.


::edit for those who just don't understand::
http://batchfile.livejournal.com/186155.html
read the comments.

you know what i want? i want to start over.

somewhere where no one knows me. where the destructive people in my past and in my life cannot follow me, continuing to hurt me merely because i exist.
people seem to derive such incredible enjoyment from fucking me over. the ex-husband, the ex-fiance, the ex-friends.

does inflicting pain on people truly bring more personal pleasure and fulfillment than helping and loving them?

there isn't a day that goes by where i don't wish it would all end.

no, i don't make plans. but i am dealing with painful emotions that i just cannot bear. i've been pretending to be generally apathetic about LDK for your sakes.
and i've grown very resentful of some of you for whom i have done this.
i've stuffed things down sure. but i still cry. alot.

so if you don't like the sight of seeing someone suffer who has been hurt very deeply by one of your friends, then go away. i don't need you. and you don't need to read here, because i am nothing to you. i don't care what he has told you. he crushed ME.

just go away.

http://newsweek.washingtonpost.com/onfaith/starhawk/2007/04/conditions_for_forgiveness.html

Conditions for Forgiveness by Starhawk

I’m not sure if the Pagan tradition as a whole has a position on forgiveness. But my personal view of forgiveness comes out of my Pagan understanding that all of us are interconnected and interdependent.

When someone commits an act that harms another, the balance of the whole community is disturbed. To restore the balance, a healing process must take place. Forgiving the wrongdoer is the last stage in that process—but at least four crucial processes must take place before forgiveness is appropriate.

The first, of course, is to stop the harm. The hurtful actions must cease, the violence or destruction or exploitation must end, before forgiveness is appropriate.

The second is Acknowledgement. The person who has committed an act of harm must acknowledge that they’ve done so, and be willing to hear and listen to the effects of their actions.

The third is Repentance. The wrongdoer must regret the act and be willing to change. An apology is also in order—and a wise person once defined an apology as “something that actually makes the person you’ve hurt feel better.” An apology is not an excuse, a justification, a comparison to others who perhaps have done more odious things, or a new, veiled attack on the person you’ve harmed. An apology is not, “Why are you making such a big deal about this?” or “Here’s what you did to me” or “She hit me first!” It’s some variation of “I’m truly sorry, and I won’t do it again.”

The fourth is Making Amends—The wrongdoer must accept responsibility and do whatever he or she can to alleviate the harm, repair the damage, restore what has been taken or destroyed. If this requires the wrongdoer to make some sacrifices or suffer some losses, that’s part of taking responsibility.

Unless these four conditions have been met, forgiveness can be premature and become a form of collusion. Women are constantly being asked to forgive abusers. But unless the abuse is stopped, and the abuser acknowledges, repents, and makes amends for the harm he or she has done, calls for premature forgiveness are a form of victim-blaming that compound the damage.

When a person in a position of public trust commits a harmful act, that trust is shattered, and it is highly appropriate for the power and material benefits of that position to be withdrawn. When someone is abusing power, the most truly compassionate thing we can do is to take that power away from them. Forgiveness should mean only that there is some possibility for the person who has committed harm to earn anew that trust—with the understanding that it may be a long process, and it must be earned by real actions, not cheap words. Don Imus used a highly privileged postion—the bully pulpit of the public airwaves—for an unprovoked attack against a group of women based not on anything they had done, but solely on who they were, their gender and race. It’s right that he be removed from that position. Wolfowitz exploited a position of trust for the personal gain of himself and his girlfriend. Saying “I’m sorry” is not enough—he should be fired, at minimum. As for the Pope—hey, I’m a Pagan, and one of the great advantages of that condition is that the Pope is no responsibility of mine.

When the above conditions are met, forgiveness is the opening, the chance to regain trust, to contribute anew to the community. And for the victim, letting go of any hatred or desire for revenge can then be part of the healing process.

---------------------------------------

this explains why i don't have closure. why i cannot seem to recover.

forgiveness starts not with me, but with the person who has wronged me.

this makes me smile:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZyTOROlo9E

what am i supposed to say when my kids are trying to find men to hook me up with?
the conversation with the 13 year old goes like this:
her: are you seeing anyone?
me: no. why?
her: you need to date someone.
me: no, i don't need to date anyone.
me: you aren't thinking about your best friend's dad again are you?
her: no.
me: good. i don't like him.
her: he is dating her mom again.
me: sorry to hear that...
her: maybe we can put out flyers.
me: what?
her: you know, to find you someone to date.
me: no.
her: have you ever been on a blind date?
me: no.
her: do people wear blindfolds or something?
me: what?
her: you know, on a BLIND date...
me: uh, not that i know of...
her: can we put your name in the paper?
me: no.


kids.

i am not the same person i was a year and a month ago.

i don't trust anyone. there are people i used to hold very close to my heart, but i have pushed them away too.
the more people i meet, only means more people to hold at arms length.
i care deeply. but you can't come in.

and what of love? i want to be loved. everyone wants to be loved. to grow old with someone.
but no.

never again.

FUCK!

everytime i think the house has been completely purged, something else of his shows up. this time stuff in the pocket of a computer bag he left for the kids to use.

what lessons i have learned:

not to trust. anyone.

not to love.

that some men will lie continually to alot of people for an incredibly long time just to get pussy.

that i have absolutely no gut instincts, no intuition.

that when a man says he isn't good enough for you, it isn't low self esteem, he's telling you that he is up to one whiz-bang job of deception, and he is testing you to see how truly gullible you really are.

that my feelings and my fears meant absolutely nothing to the one i loved the most.


i wasn't going to blog about this at all ever again, but it's been on my mind everyday for a couple of weeks now. even people at the community center know something is on my mind.

a friend's wife made this comment on the bike forum about playing "she who cares the least"...

i couldn't have done that with a gun to my head. there was no way. i felt too much, i cared too much, i loved too much. all of me was invested in all of it. i held nothing back, not the good and not the bad. now i don't care, of course, but i am filled with a smoldering anger and a coldness that hurts in it's own way.

the woman who thinks that all life is sacred also feels that certain humans aren't and will be glad to hear when those certain people are dead.

the experience taken as a whole was not a positive thing. i cannot glean anything and after a year one would think i could have found SOMETHING good... but sometimes an ass is just an ass, and a liar is just a liar.

liars leave their mark, and for some people that mark is deep and ugly and oh so very slow to heal.

was what he showed us love? if not, why did it make me so very happy? if it wasn't love, why did it feel like he ripped my heart from my chest when he took whatever it was away? why would he lie like that to me and my children?how could anyone with a heart do that to a bunch of kids who really cared about him?

i don't understand why people do the things they do. to damage someone willfully by lying and carrying on like that, it baffles me still.

if it means that i am somehow less in some way because i don't understand these things, and if it means that i am somehow less because i am SO affected by people doing these things to me, well i will be glad to be less. i am naive and i am gullible and i trust. i cannot change that. and you know, if someone chooses to take advantage of my naivete and my gullibility and my trust, well, the problem is obviously his.

i'm unraveling a bit.
probably will be like this for a few weeks. stuff from last year.

doesn't help that the card throws always say there is someone, and yet no one is there.

went to drum jam and no less than five people asked me what was wrong. i just can't hide everything all the time i guess. one fellow knew i wasn't myself just from the hug.

well i'm just tired.

no matter how busy i stay during the day, things catch up to me in my sleep.

almost a year and i am still having certain people invading my dreams.

i always wonder, am i supposed to remind people to do the things they said they would do?

am i supposed to remind people of other people's birthdays?

am i supposed to remind people about their promises?


::sigh::

the very next one
who rips out my heart
like you did,
dies.

slow and cool
or quick and hot.
the how
matters not.

he'll die for you
for him
for the other.

or i'll die
for the other,
for him,
for you.

and when it happens
remember

i let you live.

whoa.

some people need to really listen to the music that they post as what they are currently listening to...

not any of you fine readers.

i just cannot get away from a certain message board. no, not my motorcycle homeboys. the other ones, the place where the "friends" treated me like fucking shit.

so it's true, there ARE only 20 people on the internet, and they each have a million different names...

this year.

it started out so wonderful. so much promise. at least i was happy and felt loved for a little while. however false it all was. at least i didn't lie. at least i was OPEN and HONEST, LOVING with my entire being, holding NOTHING back.

but now, i'm just dead inside.

yet my rage burns on. all the counseling in the world cannot help me heal any faster. because i am merely me.
and completely me.

and no more than me.

you know what i really hate?
a coward.
not the person who shies away from gunfire. or evil people with knives.
no.
it's the one who runs away from something precious and rare just because he can't believe in the power of love to move mountains.

i've moved mountains. i make things happen. not with magic or money or anything like that. i persist because i am so far beyond stubborn that i can do anything i set my mind to. ANYTHING!
i have focus. when i have something to focus on, my mind becomes clear, my self-control becomes something beyond belief.

i've put off buying doing being going wonderful things, places, etc. all in the interest of a goal.

i'm powered by the sun and the moon and the stars and the trees and everything green and beautiful and growing.

and love.

so while some coward sits staring at the cold and the dark and the frozen place he has made for himself, i will stand and look at the clouds, breathe the icy wind, wait for the sun to shine upon my face, and go move another mountain.

forgiveness?

for ripping out my heart so nonchalantly that almost everyone thinks you did absolutely nothing wrong? and that i blew everything way out of proportion?

no. i don't think so.

good thing that forgiveness isn't necessary for me to continue on my journey straight to hell.

by the way, i'm one of those people you rarely meet who think an eternity in silence and/or fire and brimstone would be a fucking cakewalk comparatively speaking. you know, no one in hell is going to pretend to fall in love with me, tell me he is going to marry me, then just drop me for his "best friend". no one in hell is going to judge me without hearing my side of the story either.

what can they do to me in hell, that hasn't alrady been done to me by my "friends and loved ones" on this miserable planet?

why is it that every. single. time. i think it's okay to let myself start feeling again, something happens, or i read something, that makes my gut twist up in knots?

no more feelings. it's just not worth it.

and that song, the dance, sung by garth brooks? FUCK that noise.

when i live, i live too hard, too fast, too fully. things like this aren't meant to last.

last night was the company holiday party.

bought something new to wear, since the purple velvet dress i still associate with last year's party and that miserable excuse for a human being. my new outfit was a hit. it was called "glamorous" by one person.

i didn't stick around long after the meal though. no reason to really.

i've got alot of memories associated with the holidays. memories that in and of themselves could be quite happy, but because of the way i was treated by the people residing in those memories, they leave me sick to my stomach.

it's like a virulent infection. anything touched by those people is infected.

naught i can do about it. just pretend things are fine.

yeah, i'm fine.