was thinking about someone today.
not someone terribly long ago, but still, someone who is gone. and for my own sanity has to be gone from my life.

he either hasn't thought about me in a very long time, or he has taken care to make sure his thoughts don't cause me pain. it's hard to describe how that worked, so i won't go into detail. just sharp pain, left temple.

let's just say that he was one of the few who i allowed to change me into the person i am today.

and so, who am i?

someone who is very very afraid of opening myself up to other people. i'm so afraid, i tend to tell people nothing of what is going on with me anymore. the new interest? i say a little, but then immediately worry if i've given too much away, said too much, given him too much a look into my life. constantly second guessing myself on what are the important topics to talk about. worrying that i've shot myself in the foot again.

do i even dare to socialize with men again? what is the alternative? living alone, just like my mom. i don't know. i don't want that. not really.

but i'm just too scared to do anything else. and big parts of me think i am just too defective to end up any other way than that.