at this very moment i feel:
like a failure.
deflated.
confused.
lonely.
hopeless.
lost.
unhappy.

A day in the life...

6:00am alarm goes off, hit snooze button repeatedly for an hour. I don't sleep well and I haven't slept well in a couple of months. I wasted 35 dollars on a co-pay to the doctor back in september, but he didn't quite listen to what I said when I said I couldn't sleep due to stress. So he gave me fucking anti-depressants, instead of a sleep or relaxation aide. I was so furious I saw spots when I looked up what he gave me after the third night of taking my "sleeping pills" only resulted in 3 days of dizziness and no more sleep than what had become normal. I was supposed to go in for bloodwork too, but I never could find the time. I've been struggling to keep myself in the black as far as PTO is concerned: I only earn 10 hours a month. Fuck That Noise.

7am - roll out of bed. Look for clean clothes in the unfolded pile on my bed. I don't have time to waste hiding away in my room folding clothes.

8am - should have been out the door at 7 for my 40 mile/one hour commute. I'd love to be able to afford to live closer to the office. I probably could, but a lifetime spent being one paycheck away from being homeless leaves one unwilling to spend a third of my paycheck on rent in a crime ridden neighborhood close to work. So I chose to live in a crime ridden neighborhood where I don't have to spend so much on rent. I take my little securities where I can find them.

8:15 - finally get going after cleaning eggs off my car. I have a garage, but this house is small, and I use the barely single car garage to store my used motorcycles and household stuff. I paid for each of my motorcycles with different unexpected cash windfalls. I listen to my foreign language stuff in the car.

9:15 - if there wasn't an accident, then I arrive at work.

12:30pm - 1:30 pm This is my lunch break that I can't afford to take. I mean, I can't afford to eat out, so I sit at my desk and either don't eat, or eat something I brought from home, at my desk, giving people in the office the idea that I am still available for fixing computer issues. So much for those free mp3 lessons I was listening to...

6:00pm - Time to drive home. I listen to my foreign language stuff in the car. Maybe I'll remember it this time.

7:00pm - Arrive at home to either finish fixing dinner that the kids have started, to start dinner, or to no dinner because they have eaten sandwiches and well I am too tired. Talk to the kids about anything and everything they want to talk about.

8:00pm - Take a hot bath.

8:30pm - Surf the net.

9:00pm - Go to bed.

Oh, I know what I forgot to do: talk about all the friends I hung out with and the movies we saw and the bars we went to. Wait, I don't have time for any. Where are my sisterly hugs? Where is my girlfriendy trendy chick chat? Hell, I don't even have the fucking TIME to live up to my own potential.

At least I didn't have to get up at 5am and make my ex-husband's lunch. At least I don't have anymore diapers to change. At least I don't have to apologize profusely: about the house being in disarray when he gets home; about breakfast/lunch/dinner not being up to his expectations; about his life being so much unsatisfying shit; about my actually using money to put gas in the decrepit van to get more groceries; about the fact the kids drank all his milk, and ate all his bread; about my body not being up to his expectations. At least I no longer get migraine headaches when I hear the sound of a chevy pickup a mile away and feel frantic panic because everything is not done and I am not perfectly beautiful.

I'm alone. And I live in fear. Fear of him snapping and coming for us. Fear of the men on the block. Fear of losing my job. Fear of not being able to quit my job when I need to. Fear of losing my kids. Fear of dying while my kids still need me. Fear that this is all there ever will be. Fear of dying without someone decent and kind ever having wanted to hold my hand and love me.