well, got word this morning that kids #4, #5, and #7, will not be coming out to visit for christmas.

you will love the reason why.

the ex is manipulating and guilting them into staying for the entire holiday(exact words of #4 too). why? because he is going to quit his job as a truck driver and get something local just so he can spend the time with them.

i told #1 that i don't care when i get to see them, but that i do want to see them all. and she and i brainstormed a little, and we all from here might be making a road trip out there around new year's.

we'll see.


but yet again, the wonder ex is quitting what should be a decent job at a very bad time. i wonder if he has wised up through the years to at least GET a new job before quitting the old job...

heh. i doubt it.

PS: i hope with all my heart that you live well into your hundreds, with the COMPLETE and UTTERLY PAINFUL KNOWLEDGE of exactly how you rejected the love of your very own children. and i hope you feel that pain every single day.

Dear X,
It’s been a very long time since I felt the need to write you a letter. However, the kids, being who they are(which is to say, close-knit and telling each other everything that goes on), have informed me of a few questionable things you’ve said lately, so now you get this letter from me. I have some advice for you…

To wit:

GROW THE FUCK UP!

Don’t think the kids are yours?

GET PATERNITY TESTS ALREADY!
I DOUBLE FUCKING DOG DARE YOU!

“Done” with anyone who doesn’t live with you because they don’t call you???

GUESS WHO THEY LEARNED THAT BULLSHIT FROM! THAT’S RIGHT! THEY LEARNED IT FROM YOU!

I WISH WITH EVERY OUNCE OF MY BEING that you were not their father! THE GODS KNOW YOU FOR DAMNED FUCKING SURE HAVE NEVER ACTED LIKE THEIR FATHER!

Oh, one more thing: merry fucking Christmas, you bilious piece of shit.




wow. that's not very long at all. it took up 3 pages in 48 point font...

i should write more.

i'm furious. totally furious about the ex-husband!

i should write him a letter.

it's that time of year. the time of year where in the midst of reminiscing about how glad i am that the ex is the ex, he goes and says something to one of my kids that hurts them all.

he has made it clear to the ones that live out there, that he is completely DONE with the rest of them.


color me not amused.

and in other news, #4 now wants very much to talk to me. and apologize.


and inside of me, there is a little spark of hope, that maybe one day, maybe this christmas even, i could possibly have all my kids together for the holiday...

the ex wrote a short note saying he wants the 7th child permanently. and that is what he believes she wants.

all she has ever told me is that she wants to spend 6 months there and 6 months here.

you know what i want? i want to start over.

somewhere where no one knows me. where the destructive people in my past and in my life cannot follow me, continuing to hurt me merely because i exist.
people seem to derive such incredible enjoyment from fucking me over. the ex-husband, the ex-fiance, the ex-friends.

does inflicting pain on people truly bring more personal pleasure and fulfillment than helping and loving them?

the ex's current crop of lies about me is REALLY getting to me.

i mean REALLY.

you know, i mentioned my assault in the autobiography series.

today i spent the day with #1.

we were driving along looking for a certain metaphysical shop and lo and behold she tells me something else she has heard from #4(married to "pedophile", has baby, together they live in florida with ex in his house).

#1 told me that the ex has told #4 that he never believed me when i told him about being assaulted.
not only did he not believe me, he told her that the only reason i made the so-called-false accusation was because i wanted to be away from my father.

i'm stunned. on so many levels.

but then i kind of got used to not being believed back then. i kind of think the worst part is he is slandering my name to one of my kids.

and all i ever say is "he's got issues."

when we were together i trusted him with my secrets and i loved him, and now all those years of trust and love and faith are being used to damage me. and to damage my kids. and i don't know how to stop him.



::edited because i am just too stunned to be able write everything down. i might be adding more in a few hours.::

i always wonder, am i supposed to remind people to do the things they said they would do?

am i supposed to remind people of other people's birthdays?

am i supposed to remind people about their promises?


::sigh::