and she asked me what i wanted in a man...

and i thought of dark eyes, and short dark hair
thin and just a little tall.
but he won't feel tall.
and he'll smell of leather and oil.
a wicked and quiet sense of humor,
to make me laugh for hours on end
all with this missouri drawl,
and when he comes to me
it will be like rain falling into the sea
and i'll love him like that
in spite of the lies
because every man tells lies

and i dreamed of you last night

i was standing by the revel fire
and then you were at my side
smelling of leather, and long days on the road
your eyes were as empty as my heart has been
you let me keep my dignity
as you embraced humility
while we mended each other's broken heart
then without words
we fell into each other's arms
like rain into the sea.

but it was only a dream

and as i drove to work this morning
i remembered it all.
and i wished for the day
when i could fly
free from the pain memories bring.

this world is empty without love.
and my world is empty without you.

where are you now?
lost somewhere in time
slowly fading from my thoughts
fading from my heart
i can still see your face
like yesterday

but the taste of your kiss is gone
my lips are purified
by the absinthe
and it winds it's way
through my veins
into my heart

you are being burned out of me
molecule by molecule
and one day
i will be purged of your essence
and the imprint
you made on my body, my soul, my being
will be filled

would that i could burn my eyes out
to never again see your face and weep.

was thinking about someone today.
not someone terribly long ago, but still, someone who is gone. and for my own sanity has to be gone from my life.

he either hasn't thought about me in a very long time, or he has taken care to make sure his thoughts don't cause me pain. it's hard to describe how that worked, so i won't go into detail. just sharp pain, left temple.

let's just say that he was one of the few who i allowed to change me into the person i am today.

and so, who am i?

someone who is very very afraid of opening myself up to other people. i'm so afraid, i tend to tell people nothing of what is going on with me anymore. the new interest? i say a little, but then immediately worry if i've given too much away, said too much, given him too much a look into my life. constantly second guessing myself on what are the important topics to talk about. worrying that i've shot myself in the foot again.

do i even dare to socialize with men again? what is the alternative? living alone, just like my mom. i don't know. i don't want that. not really.

but i'm just too scared to do anything else. and big parts of me think i am just too defective to end up any other way than that.

you know what i want? i want to start over.

somewhere where no one knows me. where the destructive people in my past and in my life cannot follow me, continuing to hurt me merely because i exist.
people seem to derive such incredible enjoyment from fucking me over. the ex-husband, the ex-fiance, the ex-friends.

does inflicting pain on people truly bring more personal pleasure and fulfillment than helping and loving them?

the day is quickly approaching.

i still have my reservations.

his name has not been removed from the list of those who are attending.

i REALLY don't know what to do.

i want to ride that fucking dragon.

damn that man!

i REALLY REALLY want to go to gatlinburg in june!

this is actually beyond frustrating! infuriating is more like it!

i always wonder, am i supposed to remind people to do the things they said they would do?

am i supposed to remind people of other people's birthdays?

am i supposed to remind people about their promises?


::sigh::

dear db,

i judged you by your actions, instead of just your words. i honestly thought your actions: the constant emailing, the long phone calls, the "L" word, were all indications that you had more than friendship with me.

the mixed signals you sent were more than anyone should have to handle in the interest of friendship.

i can't change my reactions to you. you acted like a person who loved me, and i loved you in return.

you can't blame me for that at all.

if nothing else i still know who i am, and i know what is left for me here. not much.

goodbye.


me

i stuffed my feelings and issues down in this box awhile ago. i was really hoping that if anything triggered it to open, the stuff wouldn't come out in this flood. that it would all be more manageable.

well, we all know how i am the queen of wishful thinking...

and i really had no idea that this would be a trigger. i really thought i was past this.

i'm hoping to have everything packed back in the box as soon as possible. but it'll probably require me to bid yet another board and group of friends goodbye, if he isn't decent enough to step off the board himself.

damnit! i had my gatlinburg reservations first! AND i'v already got THAT money socked away!

yes, i'm being selfish. but gods damn him he was selfish from the very first!

he once said he would leave the message board we both are on, and that he would forego riding the dragon if his presence hurt me too much. at the times he said those things i said, no, it's ok. i'll get a grip on myself."

now it's not ok. it hurts. alot. i've lost the grip i thought i had. it's making me physically ill.

i've tried to get him out of my heart. i have hardly allowed myself to even speak to him via email since september. but the feelings and the pain are still there and i don't know why. i even thought i had finally achieved peace about it just a few short days before. that poem i wrote was about him. then this happens, and now i'm physically ill about it. feels like it's all back to zero.

i hadn't talked much about my struggles due to the fact that more than a few people from that board come over here to read, and i didn't want to make things uncomfortable.
but i can't censor myself in my own blog anymore.

i have loved. but the only love that doesn't end in complete and total heartbreak is the love i have for my kids.

yet i always wanted More. but that More just isn't anywhere. it's one of those situations where "if you don't look for it, it sneaks up on you." i haven't just "not looked", i've actually hidden from it.
"you have to put yourself out there"
"don't look for it"
"life goes on"
"life isn't fair"

i know how wonderful it is to be loved now. even though that "love" turned out to be a lie, how could any lie be better than the reality? could love really be that wonderful? i have hoped it could.

it hurts too much. it really does. it's not a struggle to not jump off the building though. i have very concrete reasons to stay alive. i don't struggle with those reasons at all. they mean the world to me because apparently they are all i have been given.

i guess it was just too much to ask from the universe, that i should be loved too one day. i just wanted that More in my life.

i've been trying to deal with the aftermath of falling hard for someone who was nothing less than a psychic vampire shortly after being dumped by the other creep.
and i can't do it anymore.

at least he was nice today and warned me that he was bringing someone to gatlinburg for the ride.

but right before valentines day when my soul is still a wasteland?

i've been wearing black for weeks because the sight of color is really more than i can deal with, though i am really trying to love green again.

i can't do it though. i can't pretend anymore.

i have totally reached my end.

dark hair and dark eyes
a dark night to sink into
your arms and heart so open
i could feel the emptiness pulling
me into you
and in the dark as you slept
i knew that if i pressed my bare skin to yours
i would fall into your body
like rain into the sea
and the emptiness that was you
would join with the emptiness
that was me
and maybe together we could be whole.
dreams are like that though, sometimes,
making faith, hope, and love
out of nothing.

the very next one
who rips out my heart
like you did,
dies.

slow and cool
or quick and hot.
the how
matters not.

he'll die for you
for him
for the other.

or i'll die
for the other,
for him,
for you.

and when it happens
remember

i let you live.

there's something that just totally bothers me.

what are you supposed to think about someone who knows that you care deeply for him. that you even love him. and who has told you he doesn't care quite that deeply for you.
so you expect him to NOT say he loves you, but he says it anyway. and he knows it upsets you. but he says it anyway.

not often. but everytime you think you have yourself under enough control to just be friends he goes and violates that one boundary that you need to be respected. because you just don't want to hear it if it isn't true the way it is true when you say it. because it rips you in half every single time.

so you end the friendship. and in the argument that ensues never once did he admit he did anything wrong.

but he knew it hurt you and he went and said it anyway.

what are you supposed to think about that person? what are you supposed to feel?

i feel angry. very very angry. that he didn't respect me or care enough about my feelings to keep that one miserable word out of his conversation.

i feel played. and led. he knew how i felt and he used that word against me to keep me unbalanced and under his control. to keep me hoping for something he then would tell me i couldn't have from him.

i think he is one fucked up miserable excuse for humanity.

he had made plans to come by my house this week on a road trip he had taken. and yesterday i wondered if he'd show. and i'm glad he didn't because i knew he'd manipulate me again. and i'd just have to beat the ever-loving crap out of him to free myself of the rage he made me feel when he was manipulating my feelings the way he did.

and i'm sorry he didn't show. because i really loved him, and if he changed i would probably love him again. even though i don't want to.

in response to a signature change(dragon or bust!) on the bike forum, a friend posted:

"no no no,, we will not say the Dragon or Bust. This time you really need to ride Jack and not with D******,,even though it looked like he kinda liked it!!!"

seeing that on the bike forum kinda stung. still stings. only one other person from the forum knows, and not the person who posted that.

i will just ignore the post even though the person meant to be funny and he is a great guy. i guess i still can't deal with it.

i am just one completely fucked-up woman. and because of this i will stick to my decision no matter what. i'm just too fucked-up. too hurt. too vulnerable. all very very bad things.




i wonder if it stung him to see it? part of me hopes so. and the part of me that feels guilty when i take a little pleasure seeing other people hurt after having hurt me seems to be on permanent vacation...

when you love someone, and trust them, you become so vulnerable. it's like you open up your very skin and bear your innermost self to them. they have power then. your power.

i just can't do that again.

maybe i just love too deeply, too madly, too crazily.

i just can't do that again.

and from now on, i will do anything and everything in my power to keep myself from doing that again.

as much as i would like to think my feelings for this last person didn't affect me that much, and that i now have peace, i know differently inside.
maybe this is where the peace comes from. knowing i will not let this ever happen again. there may be a guy in my future. but i will not give him power over me. i'll see him and know that though he may not mean to, he'll use me. and hurt me if i let him have power over me. if i love him. but i won't.

never again.

i ended a friendship this weekend. and for the first time in a very long time i have felt this incredible sense of peace.

the truth of the matter is that i loved him far too much to be able to be "just" friends. i really tried, but it just isn't in me.

dear terry,
your silence is deafening, as always. but today(friday) the cards were very clear about what i need to do.

i can't be your friend. i feel too much love for you. this love is not something i give to my friends. this fire, this passion is only for the most intimate relationship. over the last week i've asked the cards what the obstacles were for me finding romantic love. the first throw said it was a grief that was not being released or accepted. the second throw said it was indecision. neither of those refers to me, but to you. and i wonder why.

you have stepped over my boundaries concerning the use of the word "love". and in doing so you have played games with both my heart and my mind. you have strung me along like a toy on a string.

love is sacred. the word itself has a magnificent power when it is used properly. you've misused this word with me and hurt me. and discounted me when i told you.

let me be crystal clear. when the day comes when you see what you've done, then you may contact me, if you wish. however, you have chosen the path of deliberate blindness and denial concerning me. now i have to choose the path of protecting my heart from you.

i am not your friend. i AM someone who loves you deeply and has been waiting in vain for an acknowledgement that i have been more than just a mind-fuck.

it wasn't fucking in gatlinburg that ruined the friendship, it was the mind-fuck afterwards over the last few months. if only you had not called me so often...

goodbye.


love always,
jean

if you were mine
i'd lay you back in the tall grass
baring your precious skin to the sun
then clothe you in wildflowers
and strawberry wine
and kisses, wet with love.

and if you were mine
we'd dance naked under the moon
and chase each other around the fire
then fall together
to make precious love under the stars

and if you were mine
all these and more would i give to you
my heart, my soul, my love, my fire
and bread baking in the oven
and chicken soup when you are ill
and buttons scattered across the floor
as we wrestle with passion every night
and wild sweet awakenings every morning

until the waters dry, never to wet our lips again
until the fires die, never to warm our skin again
until the earth herself wastes away into lifeless dust
and until this sacred love ceases to matter

if you were mine.

don't you just hate it when someone pisses you off?
and you know it's just best to part ways? that their unrealistic demands of you are more than you can do even though you want to? and you love them with your whole heart?

i am overly fond of this person. i love this person. but this person wants to just be friends. and i've tried. but my feelings of passion and love for him get in the way.

i just have to cut the ties. i'm not sure that today should be the day though. i have the note written out to send. when i wrote it in ink, the words just flowed. i don't even feel the need to edit it at all.