that message board i used to be so involved in...
i go back often to read the blogs of people i care about.

i went back today and actually made some posts. ambiguous posts. but that could be read as being all about certain parties.
people sent me pms, probably to complain, i don't know for sure though, i deleted em all.
it felt good, deleting stuff unread. not letting fear control me. fear of losing people's respect, fear of losing friends, fear of losing face. they never respected me. they never were my friends. and face? fuck that, i'm real, i maintain my own self worth and self dignity.

it felt good to finally ream out someone in a private message for expecting me back then to be the cold heartless bitch that she was. felt very good. yeah, you cold heartless hypocritical bitch.

felt good to make snide references to a "sociopathic ex-boyfriend". felt very good.

they were reaming out a good friend of mine for an over the top stunt he pulled on april fools day. i guess they stopped using the "F" word on that board and what i said was a bit jarring to them. or maybe i needed to use smileys. but then they weren't exactly being nice talking about what they were going to do to him...

what have i got to lose? i mean really. my real friends keep in touch. the others never really were friends. i don't give a shit what everyone else thinks about me. they didn't make me who i am. i owe them NO allegiance after everything that went down and the way they ridiculed me in the midst of what i was going through. in the midst of my confusion and grief. fuck them. you know, just because i am gullible and naive and i trusted that liar doesn't give anyone the right to stomp on my feelings and lie to me.

i may go back again and kick up more dust and piss more people off. i may not. it's kinda like drunk dialing only without the drunkeness. i don't know. don't really care.

oh yeah, i expect trolls posting over here like before. but they'll be deleted, why? because i don't fucking care. you know, when you care about people, when you love them, if those feelings aren't reciprocated you have to make yourself stop loving them and stop caring about them, and stop thinking that they matter, no matter how long you have cared. and when people stomp on your feelings, sometimes you have to realize that these people NEVER. WERE. YOUR. FRIENDS. no matter how long you thought they were.

so i am making myself stop with the loyalty. do you know how hard that is? i mean, i am like a human golden retriever. i don't give up on people. but then, i'm not really giving up on these creatures. i am rejecting them. i suppose i could call them names, but i don't know what they are. when i think of them, there is just a void. maybe they just no longer really exist as a part of my existence.


so really, i've got nothing to lose, do i...