“In days of doubt, in days of dreary musings on my country’s fate, you alone are my comfort and support, oh great, powerful, righteous, and free Russian language!”
- Ivan Turgenev

yay! my local car care guys are going to get the car and bring it back right now! and they are giving me a 100 dollar discount for the tow, which is not quite half price, for being a regular customer.

now if the stress blister that is forming on my lower lip would just go away...

i dunno about #5. she is 19. and pretty immature. in fact, it is rather surprising just how immature she is. her immaturity is in stark contrast to the youngest 3 who are far more mature than she is.

such oddities.

if i had a time machine, what famous musician would i travel back in time to see?

mozart.

fathers and sons, ivan turgenev. read it today. very well written. turgenev has a way with words.

but he just couldn't make me like bazarov. and that's two heros in a row he has failed to make me like.

moving on to dostoevsky now: brothers karamazov.

made a decision: i will have the local guys tow my car here.

i am totally in a quandary. my car is 40 miles away. i am here. i have no money. the shop up there wants 500 bucks to change the waterpump.

i think the reason i am so completely smitten with the movie bella martha is that the male character likes the woman character exactly as she is, quirks included.


i could say more, but won't.



.....

i had a meeting today with the head of the library archives (is he a curator?) and the head of the german language department. they were two very excited people about the prospect of me doing this. why is that??? is this a big deal? i will be the first german major doing this. but i am stuck wondering what it is that i am missing: why are the two of them so excited?

i am now to write a proposal for my independent study project for next semester. one of my friends told me it looked like i was headed to grad school...

the nearest grad school that has what i would like for a grad program is in austin...


i think my grandparents will have a cow.

a miracle happened today in the PEP boys shop: i didn't have a heart attack when i saw their estimate!

in other news, i no longer think it is the waterpump, so i will fix it myself tomorrow.

there's always a catch. so i watched that movie today, and it made me feel good. but now i feel really really sad. unhappy. and i am reminded again of all that has passed me by and all that isn't waiting for me.

i guess that's just what i need to expect.

and now i am going to bed. it has been a difficult day. i really should have stayed in bed this morning. :(

the cartastrophe totally made me forget...

we watched the last of our german films in class today. it was a simply wonderful film called bella martha. i have fallen in love with the italian guy in the lead role. it made me smile. and i haven't really smiled in awhile.

i also entered two pieces of my writing into a writing contest on campus.

home now, without my car.

how am i going to manage this???

i am going to try not to worry about it till tomorrow after class and meetings.

and that was the end of that. here I sit in arlington. stranded. I think its the waterpump on the mustang. someone is coming to get me in an hour. but the mustang will be staying here. helluva place to strand me... now I have absolutely no choice but to go borrow more money from my grandparents. I was hoping to avoid this with all my being.

another wasted day. i can't get my head straight enough to work on the stuff i could be working on.

germany alone, 3000 dollars american to study in Duesseldorf at the Goethe Institute for 4 intensive weeks, not including airfare. 7000 dollars for 5 weeks in russia, including airfare.

doesn't matter. can't do anything at all.

don't think i could sell the car for that much, let alone get that large of a loan on the title...

financing next summer...

it doesn't look like i will be able to do next summer. much less be able to finish uni without living out of my car.

i am immensely frustrated, and depressed at how people who said they would be going no where and that i could count on them, are all leaving me and are all not dependable.

it is going to be an incredibly stressful thanksgiving and christmas. the economy has fucked me over. a couple of my kids have fucked me over.

and very little of the things i have for sale are selling.

i feel sick to my stomach.

interesting. the girls are studying animal farm at school.